Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He passed out mid-signature
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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