Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
