I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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