swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
