I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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