Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
