I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
