so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
