worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
