the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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