I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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