Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
