It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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