Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
