you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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