Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
