it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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