So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Randomize
