if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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