My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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