I heard we made out
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
