I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
