You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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