So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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