He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
