so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
