I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
