So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
