I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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