my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
