I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
