Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
