This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
