he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
