Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
