last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
why do cheetos always look like penises
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
