I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
