not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
