What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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