totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
