Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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