my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
