from now on my penis is your penis
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
