im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
