thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
