Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
