my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
