Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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