i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
