hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
